This blog is being written to educate you so that you can educate yourself and your children about child sex abuse. I am telling my story of what it was like being married to a practicing pedophile for almost forty years — and not ever seeing that criminal side of his life. How did that happen? How did I not see? How did others not see?
Rather than see signs of this dark, harmful side of life, others would remark to me time and time again, “He’s the nicest man I know!”
Listen to me carefully. Pedophiles are not the creepy guys hiding behind the bushes in the dark waiting to grab your child. Throw away that perception right now because that’s the furthest thing from the truth!
Instead, think of a person who is loved and adored by family, friends, and community. Think of the person you would least suspect of hurting anyone — especially children! In over 60% of all child sex abuse cases, the molester knows the child! Continue reading →
Control. That’s what pedophiles are all about. Some people think it’s the sex they have with children. It’s not. It’s all about control.
As followers of this blog, you know that I was married to a practicing pedophile for almost forty years — a lifetime — without knowing it. Some have scoffed me and said there’s no way he could get away with these actions without you knowing it. Others have written and poured their hearts out saying, “If I didn’t know better I’d think you were writing about my life. I lived with a molester, too, and had no idea!”
If you’re new to this blog, I strongly suggest you start here because reading from the beginning will lay out the complete picture as to how pedophiles work. And, I do mean they work hard at plotting, planning, coercing, and priming their victims getting ready for the attack. There is a thrill — a very real sense of power that comes over a pedophile when he has finally won and has another victim.
I’m here to say that we are smarter than the pedophile. We are more powerful than the pedophile. We are no longer going to keep silent about the pedophiles of this world because we have children to save!
Let’s pick up with my story……….. John had been becoming more and more open with his odd behavior, and neither I nor the kids knew what to make of it. He began hoarding food in the trunk of his car. He also bought things like kid’s clothing, sun tan lotion, towels, and kid’s toys and kept them in his car. When asked what he was doing his reply came quickly and easily.
“I’m always prepared to help someone. I know how hard it is for parents who are raising kids. It gets stressful and they need a break. So, I figured I’d just keep things in my car and be ready to help. Now that I’m almost fully retired, I have time to help out and do the things I’ve always wanted to do for people.”
That sounds nice. In fact, it sounds wonderful and somewhat puts the rest of us to a bit of shame for not caring enough to give of our time as freely as John was doing.
But, in the back of my head there was a constant, nagging question.
“Why?” “Why at his age would he be doing things like looking to babysit kids? That’s a LOT of hard work!” I kept thinking about myself and how I was pretty much burned out with taking care of kids from raising my own. I know how hard it is to pack up kids for a trip to the movies or for a quick trip to McDonald’s. I know what a pain it is to pack lunches for kids to take them out to a park for the day. They get into so much that by the end of the day it hasn’t been relaxing at all. Instead, it’s been a hard day’s work.
The more I thought, the more it didn’t make sense.
John and I were separated at this time, but he still talked to me frequently. And, he emailed almost daily. “Hey, I’m running a little short on cash this week. Would it be okay if I came over and raided your cupboards? I want to pick up some kids from church and take them out for a fun day and I don’t have brownie mix or frosting. Do you have some I could use?”
Every now and then, I’d let him know where sales were going on so that he could stock up on snack items. And, did he ever stock up! He not only filled the trunk of his car, the cupboards in the home where he was living, but his “overflow” went into the garage! Yes, I kid you not! He had boxes and boxes of cereal, cookies, and snack items stored in the garage!
“Crazy”, I thought. “That man has gone crazy. I just don’t get it.”
He also bought new toys — toddler toys mostly for girls — and kept them on hand to give to children.
I love children, too, but I didn’t go around thinking I had to provide Christmas for children year-round. What in the world was going on with him?
One day I got a call from a member of the church where John was attending. This lady asked if she could talk to me for just a minute or two about something that was bothering her. I didn’t really know her, but agreed to talk with her.
“I know that you and John are no longer together, but we think he is such an amazing man. He is loved so much by our congregation, and he’s beginning a beautiful ministry with children. The only thing that is a little troublesome is the fact that he is an older man and works in the nursery. So, I thought I’d call you just to put my mind at ease about him being the father of eleven children.”
You know what? I never hesitated a moment to talk with her about his relationship with his kids. There’s no doubt that he was a great dad. As I’ve mentioned time and time again, he was the father who attended every basketball game, every dance recital, and every school play. He’s the father that baptized every one of his children, and was now performing their wedding ceremonies.
What was there to say to this woman except that he was a great dad? She wasn’t asking about our relationship. She didn’t want to know why the two of us were no longer living as husband and wife. This wasn’t the time for me to be sharing the “odd behavior” that he had displayed all of our married lives.
Or was it?
I’ll always beat myself up over the fact that I had some inner nagging feeling that something was very wrong with John. I didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t connect the dots. But something was wrong. I just knew it!!! But, I knew that I’d come off like a bitter wife if I began telling her things that had nothing to do with his role as a father.
And, so she hung up the phone feeling satisfied that her church had found a wonderful Christian leader. And, I sunk into a chair in total disgust thinking, “There is something that is NOT making sense with this man and I sure wish I could figure out what it is!”
About this same time John made a phone call to one of our daughters and in the course of their conversation he said something that stood out as really bizarre — so much so that she told me about it later on.
In his talking to her, he shared that he had been swimming and saw several young girls and they were so beautiful. In fact, he said their bodies were sleek and trim and one day they were going to make such beautiful young women. She said he told her they were around seven years old.
What? I asked her to repeat what her dad had said and she did. And, as the conversation continued I knew where it was going. She was feeling rather badly for her dad because we were no longer together and he was being deprived sexually. He had told her in that same conversation that he missed me so much that he often thought of driving himself into a tree or running his car off of a cliff.
She was afraid for his life! And, really, what child wouldn’t have deep concern if a parent told them that?
I sunk deeper into silence than I had been in a long time. I felt miserable. I felt like I was the cause of so much family pain.
And, then I snapped back into reality and thought more clearly. Wait a minute! This is the same guy that left ME with a mortgage, thousands of dollars of debt, two daughters, and handed me his own “letter of separation” stating that he would not pay me one penny of child support, nor would he give me a cent towards keeping the house.
This is the same person who gave me a skull for Mother’s Day as my one and only gift.
This is the same person who was spending money he didn’t have to buy gifts for other children when he refused to give me one penny for his own children.
This is the same man who turned his back on me in bed for years refusing a sexual relationship with me even though I humiliated myself by begging him. (How embarrassing to publicly admit this!)
Something wasn’t right!!!!!
Let’s look for a minute at some of the red flags that were waving.
1. Buying toys for kids and keeping them in his car. BIG red flag for a child molester! Pedophiles use a strategy known as grooming and this is just what John was doing. He was giving innocent children toys in order to gain their trust so that he could have complete accessibility to them — with the blessing of their parents.
2. Free babysitting. Another BIG red flag for a man who was almost 60 years old! Why would a man this age want to exhaust his time and energy changing kids’ diapers, and piling kids into car seats, packing them lunches and taking them out for the day? Pedophiles do this because it give them free access to YOUR child!!! If only I knew then what I know now!
3. Buying lots and lots of snacks and goodies for kids. Sure it’s fine to have a candy dish on hand when kids come to visit. I do that for my grandkids. BUT, I don’t stock my car with candy and snacks and treats for kids. I don’t pick up kids and take them out giving them toys and treats. In fact, I’m never alone with kids. Rarely do I take my own grandkids alone with me. Why? Because quite truthfully I’m at an age where I’m tired. Yes, I love kids, but I don’t live and dream about ways I can get little kids to take car rides with me. Another BIG red flag!
4. Working alone in a church nursery. I realize that a lot of people will say, “We can’t get volunteers for our nursery, so we’re lucky to have just one person.” Well, what about the man who “insists” on running the nursery and the kid’s program at church? Beware! The church is a pedophile’s playground!!!
5. Insisting on giving parents relief from their children. I know that it’s great to have a beloved babysitter — one your kids love and adore. But, I’m telling you to beware of the one who insists on watching your kids to give you a night out. The pushy babysitter, the all-too-good babysitter, the babysitter who brings toys and treats, the babysitter who is a sixty-year-old man………………BEWARE!!!!!!! These are your children we’re talking about! The pedophile is counting on exhausted moms and dads to hand over their kids!
6. Language. Pay attention to the words a person speaks. John had “slipped up” many times in front of us, but we didn’t know it at the time because we were totally naïve about child molestation. He used words such as “princess”, “munchkin”, “my sweetheart”, “my special one” when referring to children he babysat. Pay attention to the possessive word “my” or “mine.” They are very important words in the language of a pedophile.
These things that John was doing — buying the toys and candy, stocking his car and garage, insisting on babysitting, pushing himself to begin a young children’s program at church, and then talking about how beautiful little children’s bodies looked are a compilation of his escalation in his world of pedophilia. John was gaining access to more and more children at this time. He was building trust with parents. He was building trust with children.
He was molesting! He was becoming more and more visible with his actions at this time. He was daring. He was open. He was testing.
And, nobody caught on! And, he knew nobody caught on! He gave clue after clue, hint after hint, and nobody questioned him. Nobody dared think wrongfully of him. He portrayed himself as a loving, gentle, genuine man of God!
The more education we receive, the more empowered we become. And, the more able we are to protect our children! If you suspect any kind of abuse, report it! It’s better to err on the side of being wrong than to turn your head and shrug off actions as just being a bit odd.
Keep your eyes and ears open at all times. And, don’t entrust your children to others freely! Be smart! Ask your kids questions. Let them know they can tell you anything. And, when they do tell you, please believe them! Kids don’t make up lies about being molested!
Thank you for listening. Thank you for helping! Thank you for caring! Most of all, thank you for helping to be a voice for the children!
PS If you cannot attend the workshop, but are interested in a DVD, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org . Due to the large number of people responding I cannot answer each email individually, but you will be contacted when the DVD’s are available.
Sometimes I feel it’s necessary to veer from my normal writing pattern and share some inner glimpses of where my heart is — right at this moment. And, that’s just what I’m going to do today.
A few nights ago, I was having a rough time. I had spoken to three different victims of child sexual abuse on that particular day, and after hearing their stories of pain and suffering, I began thinking about the man I had shared my life with for almost forty years. I began thinking about all of the pain that this one man — a man who called himself a preacher and teacher of the word of God — caused to so many different people. After hearing from these victims of child abuse, my mind began thinking about how horrible it is to have to try to put your life back together again when a pedophile abuses not just your physical body but your mind.
And, the more I thought, the more pained I became and the more angry I got! Continue reading →