Married to a Pedophile: “A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words”

Pictures.  I love to take pictures.  I especially love to take pictures of nature — flowers in bloom, the colors of the changing seasons, and special events pictures.  Rather than journal with words, I often journal the events of my life with photos.

Pedophiles like to take pictures.  Pedophiles love to look at pictures.  Pedophiles study pictures of children.  Little children.  Nude children.  Children taking baths.  Children going to the bathroom.  Children swimming.  Children swinging on swings.  Children playing dress up.  Children just being children.

A pedophile will look at an innocent photo of a child and distort that photo to make it a sexual turn-on.  A pedophile does not see the same thing a pure mind sees.  A pedophile’s mind has been saturated with thoughts of child pornography, unnatural behavior between adults and children, and evil, corrupt thoughts of using the pure innocence of a child for his/her own selfish purposes.  Continue reading

Married to a Pedophile: “The Email Worth Thirty Years in Prison”

When I talk about being married almost forty years to a practicing pedophile, I say it with shame.  I say those words with horror.  I almost always have at least two very bad days of haunting dreams and lots of tears after I write a blog post.  Why?  Because there is still a part of me that agonizes over the fact that I was duped.  I didn’t know the man I was married to for almost four decades!  I grieve the fact that this man was so good at deceiving me and others that he got away with molesting children for all of those years!

If you are new to this blog, it’s important for you to begin here.  It’s hard to start in the middle of a story and grasp the full impact — especially with a story that is as complicated as this one.  As you are reading, take time to pause and allow the words to sink deep into your heart.  What you are reading is not just hard to read, but it’s hard to believe.

And pedophiles are counting on just that — making it hard for you to believe that they could ever commit such horrendous acts!        Continue reading

Married to a Pedophile: When the Abuse Continues

Last week’s post caused quite a stir.  So many people resonated with this part of my story.  The emails have been pouring in saying, “If I didn’t know better, I would think I’m reading my own life’s story!”  That’s both wonderful and so very sad.  The sad part is that this abuse continues to be so prevalent in our society.  The wonderful part to me is that victims are beginning to get enough courage to speak out, and they’re being heard!

And, every time a victim of child sexual abuse speaks out there is one more step being taken towards healing.   A large part of my goal with this blog is to help victims of abuse to become “survivors of abuse”!  Just the word SURVIVOR equates with STRENGTH! *I hope that each of you will listen to the 6 minute video included in this paragraph.  It’s a powerful message of hope and healing!

Let’s continue on with my story.  After John left me and the girls, I had a multitude of worries, the first being, “How am I going to pay the mortgage?”  Other worries were along the same line.  “How will I pay for the utilities — gas, phone, electric, fuel oil?”  “How will my daughters go to college?”  “How, how, how?  Dear God, how can I do this alone?”  Going from a two family income to a one family income in the blink Continue reading

Married to a Pedophile: March 17 — The Walls Came Tumbling Down!

How do you move on beyond a day like the most horrible Thanksgiving ever?  Truthfully, when you want to fight hard for your family, for the values you believe in, you sometimes just take the pain and move on.  And, that’s just what was done.  We went on and had Christmas with the entire family home.  But, it was much different this particular year.  It was quiet.  It was awkward.  It was lacking laughter and joy!  It was as though everyone was walking on eggshells not knowing what to do, not knowing what to say, and not knowing what to expect.  One thing we knew — we didn’t want a repeat of our Thanksgiving!

That particular week of Christmas is mostly a blur to me.  As a way to cope, we can trick our minds into not remembering horrible pain and heartache, and that is just what we did.  We didn’t allow ourselves to feel much of anything for fear of experiencing that horrible pain and brokenness once again.

The winter months were lonely.  I worked long hours — in fact, most nights I stayed at work very late not wanting to go home.  At this point in our lives, I was still shut down emotionally with John.  In fact, I didn’t even want to sit at the dinner table with him.  We spoke very few words to each other.  And, it was miserable — terribly miserable    Continue reading

Married to a Pedophile: The Worst Thanksgiving Ever!

Thanksgiving was always among my top three most favorite of all holidays, but there is one Thanksgiving that will forever be a total nightmare — a disaster — and the one that will always stand out as the absolute worst.

It was always our family tradition to have a time of “giving thanks” prior to eating our meal.  We would go around the table and say the things we were most thankful for, and then we would end with a prayer.  This is a beautiful tradition, I think, and one that brings a family closer together and helps us all to appreciate one another more.

However, there is one Thanksgiving that was horrid, and that is putting it mildly.  As you know by now, our marriage was far from thriving.  In fact, it was pretty evident that our marriage was crumbling.  So, this was going to be a sad Thanksgiving, and    Continue reading