Married to a Pedophile: The Aftermath of Abuse – Part 3 of “A Father Speaks Out”

So many people are under the false belief that once a molester has been caught and justice has been served, that the abused ones no longer feel the effects of childhood abuse.  This is one of the biggest misconceptions that society has about abuse victims, and it’s time to get educated about what really happens after a predator is found guilty.

Having lived with the mental abuse of a manipulative sociopath predator, I can tell you that there are long-term effects — the most difficult is that of trust.  But, this particular story is not about me.  This is the continuing story of a father of abused children who has willingly chosen to speak out so that others might be saved from the trauma and pain he and his family  are still experiencing.  This is a difficult story for me to post.  I have wrestled with this one.  This has pained my heart worse than anything.  Why?  Because I am being enlightened more and more about how the actions of pedophiles destroy lives — the lives of children and adults.  Something terrible happens when abuse of this nature takes place.  There is a stripping of trust.  There is a pain that runs deep within the heart clear to the soul.  There is a feeling of failure knowing that as a parent you did not protect your child.  There is also a lingering fear.  The fear that there is someone else out there who will target you and your children and try to destroy you all over again.

And, the worst of all for me is to think that I shared most of my earthly life with this man, this child molester, and never knew what evils he was doing!

My heart breaks more every day.

As you read these words from Dave, please take to heart everything that he says.  He has been broken.  His spirit has been broken.  His trust has been broken.  He now views life differently.

And, his children?  We know that many abused children don’t immediately remember their abuse as abuse.  Why?  There is a psychological splitting that takes place in order to protect the child.  The more technical term is called dissociation.  The child may not be able to remember details of the abuse until years later because the child has had a splitting of the personality — the happy child by day, the abused child by night.  Later on in life there may be night terrors, horrifying flashbacks, depression, and often suicidal thoughts.

What predators do is not a game.  They specifically target children and adults, manipulate them, groom them, and then use them all for self-gratification.

And, when finished, they move on to their next victim.

These words from Dave, the father whose children were abused by John Hinton, are powerful.  His words are sad.  And, his words are very, very important for us to hear!

“Talking about sexual abuse of children is not an easy topic to discuss.  However uncomfortable it may be doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be having this conversation.  Our children are being used as toys and lives are being ruined at the hands of those who seek to do our children harm.  We must NOT be silent any longer!

Child predators are masters at what they do.  John Hinton first abused when he was 14-years-old and when he got arrested he was 62.  He had over 48 years practicing the molestation of children.  That’s longer than I have been alive!  And, if you think this could never happen to your family, you are sadly mistaken.  You have already deceived yourself.  Don’t think that you’re smart enough to spot a molester from a mile away.  You can’t — especially if you don’t have a clue what to look for!

Child molesters come in all forms and from all walks of life — doctors, attorneys, counselors, mailmen.  You get the picture.  You see, these predators want to keep us ignorant to their behaviors.  They count on that.  Once a predator chooses your child, he will use anything and everything to get what he wants.  That’s why my advice to you is to constantly be educating yourself.  A great place to start is Church Protect.  Look through all of the resources that are provided.

I didn’t know anything about child sexual abuse.  I didn’t know that my children were being abused!  They didn’t act different.  They showed no signs of fear of John.  It was just the opposite of what I would have thought.  You can’t count on your kids telling you that they are being abused!  YOU must get the knowledge on how these molesters work.  Education is your only weapon against molesters! 

It was when the detective came to my house to interview me that my eyes began to open.  That’s when I began to connect the dots and see how John worked and how he was able to abuse my children.  What continues to be upsetting to me is the fact that my children still talk about John.  They still say nice things about him.  I just want to scream, but I don’t.  They still see John as the “Hero”, the Savior, the one who did nice things for them.

Take notice of any gifts someone gives your children.  If a molester has marked your child, he will always give gifts.  It might seem very innocent at first — they won’t even be expensive gifts — just little Dollar Store items.  John always bought pool noodles, bathing suits, clothes, and food.  Not just any food, though.  Only what the children wanted.  He would ask what they liked and always made sure to bring that on the next visit.

Also watch for anyone who wants to spend lots of alone time with your child.  I will no longer allow any gifts to be given to my children without my approval.  I also will not allow my children to spend the night with their friends, and we do not do overnights at our home.  I truly believe the days of sleepovers are over.  Also, I watch who my children are around at all times.  Even when my kids are playing outside I know exactly what is going on and who they are around.  Learn to always trust your instincts!  If you believe something is wrong, or if something doesn’t feel right, then there is a good possibility that something is wrong.  Don’t allow someone to dismiss your concerns as being nothing!

Predators want you to feel comfortable with them and they will ask a lot of questions.  They want to know where your vulnerabilities are and they will capitalize on them.  They know just what to say and how to say it.  YOU know what is best for your child, not someone else!  Set boundaries and don’t compromise them for anything or anybody!  Pay close attention to anyone who spends too much time, attention, and gift-giving to your children.  Remember, these are only a few things to watch for.  It is way better to be safe than sorry!

What about my faith?  My faith has taken a major blow.  I have actually quit the church I was attending.  I really loved the people and the Pastor there, but walking into that building was a constant reminder of the abuse.  When I do go to another church,  my attendance is very sporadic, and I’m always checking on my children, so I don’t really listen to the message.  I have serious trust issues now.  Sexual abuse is very devastating.  It affects every area of your life.

I still cling to hope.  I still hope that some day I will be able to go places and not worry about my children.  I still hope to become the man of God that God has called me to be.  I still hope that people will listen and spread this message.

Mostly I hope that we can stop those who wish to do harm to our children.  YOU are the voice of those can can’t speak.

We must break the silence!”

Blessings,

Dave

SmarterI urge you to read the words of this father over and over again.  Please pay attention to what he is saying.  He was chosen and victimized so that John could have access to this father’s children.  This was a very well thought out plan.  It didn’t just happen by accident.

We must be smarter than these molesters!  Every day we’re reading in the paper about more molesters being caught, and that makes me so happy!  BUT, it would be even better if we stop them BEFORE they reach our children!  Please visit Church Protect and soak up the information there.  Ask questions.  Jimmy and I will try to get your answers.

Thank you, Dave, for your willingness to help!  I am sure God will bless your words and make sure this message resonates around the world! 

We ARE the voice of the children!!!!

Love,

Clara

8 thoughts on “Married to a Pedophile: The Aftermath of Abuse – Part 3 of “A Father Speaks Out”

  1. Dear Clara,
    I have been following you for while. I am probably close to your age and was sitting in a small group study last night and most of the others are thirtyish young some with kids, one couple are ministering in the Church as the pulpit minister and youth minister . We were discussing listening to and paying attention to people as a form of bettering our outreach. So in the interest of sort of testing how or to whom we are willing to minister the subject of a pedophile was brought up. I must admit I have been alarmed before when this subject has been brought up by what I perceive to be the innocence of this age group. They believe that you should invite this person into your home even if you have children, and show kindness and acceptance and of course be on your guard and not allow them to be alone with your children. They believe in calling them out if they show unacceptable behavior. I feel after reading your blogs for sometime that they could be deceived or even “groomed” by a person that is so crafty and cunning. Do you feel as a Christian that we should invite these people into our homes and minister to them? Is there a way to do this? I have tried to issue a warning of being cautious about this and being educated beyond the norm but I know my comments are perceived as being unloving and unkind and against what God has called us to be.

    • Lynette, I wish I could sit down in person with that group, and really talk openly with the facts about pedophilia. Absolutely NO — to inviting a known pedophile into your home when you have small children! NO! NO! NO! Pedophiles are extremely smart and their minds don’t work like ours in the fact that they are “turned on” by young children. They view children through different eyes than we do. When they see a child, that child is seen as a possible target. The pedophiles are crafty beyond words. And, they are looking, planning, and calculating how to “get that child” into their hands! That is always on their minds! I don’t care how sweet and charming they may seem, they are not to be trusted. Why? Because kindness doesn’t change them. I loved for forty years with a man perceived to be one of the kindest men who ever walked on this earth, yet…………..he was raping young children!!! Yes, “raping” young children! He was controlling, grooming, and charming the parents, and once their trust was secure, he went for the children. My ex-husband is not unique — he’s the norm. Do these parents really think they’re smarter than the pedophile? Do they think that they can watch their every move? Do they believe they couldn’t get sucked into the charm of a pedophile? I take a hard stand. NO! I am not willing to take this chance with my grandchildren. If my ex-husband was out of prison, not of his children would allow their children in his presence. Why? Because they know what would happen! If ministering needs to be done to them, then let the pastor of the church minister to the pedophile alone with the other men of the church. Take him out to breakfast or lunch, but please don’t bring him into your home around the children! I’m currently writing a book on grief due to be published in March of this year. When I complete that book, I hope to write a book on pedophiles and how the Christian should view the pedophile — based on Scripture. In the meantime, I’ve given you my view both from the standpoint of living with a pedophile and from the view of a Christian. I hope this has helped. My love to you.

      • I couldn’t agree with you more. A cousin of mine had been abused by her stepfather. She went to see him and took her daughter along, thinking that as long as she was there, her daughter was safe. AFTER he died, she learned that he’d gotten up in the middle of the night and molested her daughter during those visitations. NEVER trust a known pedophile around children. They will find a way to molest them.

        When my grandmother died a few years ago, I went to her funeral, but left my young son with my mother. The reason? My former stepfather who’d sexually abused me and my brother would be there. I didn’t trust him to not find a way to do something to my son.

        • Wynter, I think a lot of people have the false assumption that child sexual molesters have only one victim, or at most two, and most often it’s an isolated case of “I got carried away.” You’re so very right. NEVER trust a known pedophile around children. I just returned from a workshop where survivors of abuse shared their stories and one after another it was the same thing. The molesters can NEVER be trusted to be alone with a child. NEVER!!!! I wish people would begin to really understand how true this is!

    • Lynette, I take a hard and fast stand that under no circumstances should a known pedophile be invited into a home where there are children. If someone wants to show them kindness, take them to a coffee shop away from young children. Why in the world would anyone want to subject their children to a person of this nature? I have never heard (or read) of one sex offender staying straight. They just get smarter. Until we realize the magnitude and depth of the sin and maliciousness in their hearts, we will never understand what they are capable of. I would never put a child in the same room with a known pedophile — ever. Why? Because that’s an easy in for that person to target that child and make it a game to try to molest. And, once the emotional and physical harm of molestation is done, it takes years — often a lifetime — to overcome the pain. And, child sexual molestation is a pain nobody should ever have to endure!

  2. I applaud you Mrs. Hinton for all the educating you are doing. I know it must be excruciating! I’ve followed you for 2 years now.
    I don’t have to read what Dave Wrote more than once. It was painful…and all too familiar of a life that is exactly like mine. Devastated by a molester from church that victimized my son.
    I do believe education is the only way we can stop these monsters.
    Thank you thank you!!!
    I am also a big advocate of darkness to light. They do a great job also.

    • Thank YOU so much for your words, and for having the courage to share of the devastation felt in your own life. I’m so happy that these criminals are finally being exposed. And, I’m so very thankful for every agency around that is providing education and ongoing support to our survivors of molestation.

  3. Dave, thank you for sharing and helping other chilren. I will be praying for you and your family.

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