Control. That’s what pedophiles are all about. Some people think it’s the sex they have with children. It’s not. It’s all about control.
As followers of this blog, you know that I was married to a practicing pedophile for almost forty years — a lifetime — without knowing it. Some have scoffed me and said there’s no way he could get away with these actions without you knowing it. Others have written and poured their hearts out saying, ”If I didn’t know better I’d think you were writing about my life. I lived with a molester, too, and had no idea!”
Sometimes I feel it’s necessary to veer from my normal writing pattern and share some inner glimpses of where my heart is — right at this moment. And, that’s just what I’m going to do today.
A few nights ago, I was having a rough time. I had spoken to three different victims of child sexual abuse on that particular day, and after hearing their stories of pain and suffering, I began thinking about the man I had shared my life with for almost forty years. I began thinking about all of the pain that this one man — a man who called himself a preacher and teacher of the word of God — caused to so many different people. After hearing from these victims of child abuse, my mind began thinking about how horrible it is to have to try to put your life back together again when a pedophile abuses not just your physical body but your mind.
Pictures. I love to take pictures. I especially love to take pictures of nature — flowers in bloom, the colors of the changing seasons, and special events pictures. Rather than journal with words, I often journal the events of my life with photos.
Pedophiles like to take pictures. Pedophiles love to look at pictures. Pedophiles study pictures of children. Little children. Nude children. Children taking baths. Children going to the bathroom. Children swimming. Children swinging on swings. Children playing dress up. Children just being children.
When I talk about being married almost forty years to a practicing pedophile, I say it with shame. I say those words with horror. I almost always have at least two very bad days of haunting dreams and lots of tears after I write a blog post. Why? Because there is still a part of me that agonizes over the fact that I was duped. I didn’t know the man I was married to for almost four decades! I grieve the fact that this man was so good at deceiving me and others that he got away with molesting children for all of those years!
Have you ever questioned the statistics about how many children are sexually abused? One in five girls and one in every twenty boys have been sexually assaulted in the United States — and this statistic is only for the abuse that has been reported! It’s a fact that due to repression or fear of being hated, ugly, and unloved, most children will never speak out about their childhood sexual abuse.